The Space in my Heart

Last night as my husband and and i lie in bed trying to fall asleep, my thoughts drifted towards James and Nora as they always do.  Just the quiet tick-tock of the clock and our kitty, Belle, snoring by our heads.  My mind centered around all things baby; james, nora, trying to conceive, .......our next baby that has yet to be created but that already feels so much a part of us.

I've been focused ever since we lost James and Nora on getting pregnant and having another baby.  I've been so eager to start that journey and finally, 6 months later, my doctor gives me the go ahead and we begin fertility treatments.  The relief I thought I would feel isn't there though.  I'm feeling more anxious than ever.  Worried about how long it will take, searching for statistics about our chances of conceiving, worried that we will lose our next baby too.  Worried that lightning will strike twice.

But then there's a new worry, one that I didn't expect. I rolled over to face Kirk, the person who has kept me grounded all these months and told him my worries.

"What if I can't love our next baby as much as I love Nora and James.  What if when I see our next baby, all I can see is James's face, what if all I feel is sadness?"

He told me, "it's okay, it will be okay" and rubbed my back to comfort me.

It's okay...it's okay....it's okay.  I say it over and over in my head and then I realize..

Just like parents who have a living child, we will find room in our hearts for our next one. But until that next child comes, Nora and James will fill every corner of my heart and being...and I will try to be grateful for that gift.